10 Ways to Fix 50 Shades

Don't talk problems. Talk solutions.

What a nifty little piece of business advice I keep hearing. So I'm applying it to 50 Shades of Grey.

The truth is, there are too many problems with this story for me to succinctly blog about it. Besides, researching this topic is bad for my complexion. A girl should really only loathe one thing at a time and currently my loathing is completely involved with ISIS.

So, let's talk solutions.

For 50 Shades, I've diagnosed more problems with and/or caused by this story than I have time to address. So I've narrowed down the solutions to the most loathsome 10:

1. Have the two main characters pick up trash along the highway. Not only is it far more productive than their current pastime, it still offers chances for them to incur the physical harm they so love.

2. Get E L James and her husband into couples' counseling. They can afford it now.

3. Replace all references of "inner goddess" in the book with "imaginary smurf."

4. Have Anastasia Steele ride in an elevator with a woman sporting a black eye, busted lip, and broken nose from her abusive husband.

5. Instead of being rich and physically attractive, make Christian Grey a working class mechanic with acne and a creepy back bedroom.

6.  Sell every copy of 50 Shades of Grey with a free copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy so they can tell a talented writer from a bored woman having a mid-life crisis.

7. Invite E L James to a support group for abused and battered women before she writes one more book.

8. Since sex can apparently sell anything, even bad sex, put the 50 Shade franchise to work funding the burdensome welfare system and save the taxpayer billions.

9. Give Anastasia more self worth. And a strong right cross.

10. Write a love story the polar opposite of this one and make a movie that inspires, loves, respects, and protects. (That one has already been done. Old-Fashioned opens on Valentine's Day.)

There are other areas of concern to pursue in this story, but I've simply got to get back to ISIS.